Posts Tagged ‘joy’

Dr. Kate Siner

My coach, Kate Siner.

“How good can you stand it?” is a question my business coach, Dr. Kate Siner, talks about a lot. Her premise is that we tend to easily and frequently focus on what’s negative in our life versus letting in the happy. In a blog post, Kate says we need to, “ increase our tolerance for joy, ease, and inner peace … We are just as inclined to hold ourselves back from good stuff as we are to shy away from the bad. We are naturally inclined to keep things the same. The “same,” in our primal brain, is equated with being safe. Every change introduces a level of risk—even if the change is good.”

Let’s face it; we’re a culture rife with self-judgment and criticism. We’ll even keep toxic people in our lives just so we can commiserate over shared misery. We understand struggle, challenge, and frustration. We’re familiar with what all of those things feel like, so much so, that when things ARE going well and smelling like roses, it can actually make us edgy and uncomfortable as unfamiliar sensations often do. And our frequent response to that? We do something to sabotage the positive so we’re dropped back into the sensations with which we are more familiar. I find the prospect of this disturbing and doubly so as I realize that is exactly the pattern I’ve had in my life for a very long time … but I’m also happy to report, that with some steady practice and conscious awareness, I’m changing that pattern.

Increasing Tolerance for Joy

Life IS good! And I honor that I can now say that and mean it. This doesn’t mean the last year and a half of launching and building my business while learning all sorts of new things hasn’t been challenging and sometimes a downright struggle, but I am recognizing when my habitual pattern of negative thought or self-sabotage is trying to reassert itself. This gives me an opportunity to stop, take a deep breath, and settle into the reality of the moment, which is often quite different from the chaotic maelstrom whirling about in my brain. The fact I have to will myself to stop thinking of the struggle and instead congratulate myself on learning those new things and on the amazing progress I’ve made is OK, because that IS a different and more positive response. This tolerance for joy thing takes a LOT of practice, but it’s a really necessary practice. Just recently, I realized that I am still uncomfortable with being recognized for doing great work when both participants and my colleague congratulated me on one of my day-long workshops. I had to will myself to stay put and hear it and not negate or downplay it. Glowing praise … oh not that! *rolling my eyes and laughing at myself* How good can I stand it, indeed!

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

~Neale Donald Walsch

One of the many reasons I started my own business was so that I could do what I love—knowing there’d be a learning curve even on that. I had worked unhappily so long in a corporate job, that I was no longer sure of what I’d do if given the choice to do what I love. I’ve spent this last year consciously exploring all the aspects of my business to figure out what I best love to do so that I could continue to build my business around THAT. And things are starting to shift as I integrate more of what I love into my business … it feels great and exciting, and apparently scares me to death. Be happy in my work? What? BUT, unlike in the past, I have NO intention of sabotaging myself and my business just because professional happiness feels foreign.

Even in my personal life, I realize I am quick to downplay the things that make me happy, or to isolate myself rather than risk reaching out. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my romantic relationship—I’m engaged to the love of my life! And yet, when someone asks about wedding plans, I’m evasive and vague. Now granted, some of that is simply not wanting a whole lot of well-intentioned, yet frighteningly off-the-mark “suggestions”, but I have to admit there’s more to it. Subconsciously, vague evasion must be a better choice than just owning that I’m thrilled to be making official the already existing marriage of our hearts and accepting as truth that I am going to spend the rest of my life with this amazing and loving partner. But instead, I witness myself just waiting for the other shoe to drop because isn’t it, “always one thing or another?” There’s a piece of me looking at this big change and that piece doesn’t feel safe. But I want this big change and I know I deserve the happiness it’ll bring. And because there is so much love given and received—and it’s the safest place I can go—I find myself fiercely protective about us … even from my own self-sabotaging pattern. So, I find myself telling that piece of me, with compassion, to shut up and enjoy the happy. I no longer want the struggle to be my comfort zone.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Deep Breath by artist Melanie Weidner

Deep Breath by Melanie Weidner (website appropriately called "Listen for Joy") captures, for me, the concept of opening up, connecting with LIFE, and joyfully being.

I am learning to just hold the space when the negative is trying to do its dance. It’s like continuing to meditate when the mind can’t seem to hold still for more than a second. Experienced meditators know that it’s constant practice and it’s never perfect. A novice meditator can easily be thrown by how difficult it can feel at the start, but one simply must keep going. Return to the anchor and start over. Increasing my tolerance for joy is the exact same thing. Every time I think something negative, I must return to my anchor—my need and want for a joyful life—and start over because I find myself unwilling at this point in my life to accept that life is always a struggle and a challenge.

After getting engaged in October, I wrote about wanting authentic joy in my life on a daily basis—and I meant it. But feeling good takes nurturance. Increasing one’s tolerance for joy doesn’t happen overnight, but rather in every single moment dedicated to cultivating joy. It takes time to explore and discover the things, people, and circumstances we need to bring joy into our lives. For me, this entire past year has been learning that self-care is an integral piece of practicing being happy—taking time for a yoga class or a walk in the woods, preparing and feeding us organic whole foods, prioritizing sleep, meditating, or chanting along with Krishna Das in the car. Feeling well cared for seems to be a key to increasing my tolerance for joy. I have to consciously choose to lift my heart up, throw my arms wide open and accept that life is a magical, mystical adventure. It’ll never be perfect, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t also full of happy surprises and rich, satisfying and soul filling experiences.

Do you have a familiar pattern that keeps you from being fully happy? How do you combat negative thoughts and patterns to bring joy more fully into your life?

It’s official: we’re engaged! At this year’s annual King Richard’s Faire visit, my partner of five years managed to surprise me, jaw drop included. And it’s not like he and I haven’t discussed getting married; we have, but I was surprised nonetheless. The thing is, I was married and divorced long ago, so I was also never in a hurry to repeat it. But what I have now is so different from my past. And the question was delivered from such a loving and authentic place, saying yes was easy.

Surprise and a joyful yes

Jaw-dropping surprise followed by JOY.

The romance of the situation was not lost on me at all.  A mutual friend introduced us at King Richard’s Faire, so it’s our annual “anniversary thang.” 🙂 We go, usually with a gang of friends, and leave reality at the gate. It’s a great day of silly fun … I LOVE that he chose to propose there. I’m girly-vain enough to enjoy that I was wearing a costume that I love and in which I feel beautiful. Not to mention, KRF for me is simply infused with wonderful memories—the romance of the gesture just lit me up. I’m also thrilled that Mike made sure that my best friend was there to share in the joy … AND to take lots of great photos. Take a look at my face, people, after the surprise, that’s JOY!

Although getting to a place of authentic joy in a personal relationship has been a journey for me, for sure, I don’t claim to be unique or alone in having needed to get past smashed dreams, heartache, feelings of betrayal, and the subsequent feeling of never wanting to open up again and trust enough to fall in love. But, the beautiful thing about being human is that once we start healing personally, the rest does sort of fall into place. Mike and I didn’t fall in love with each other until we’d both made some peace with ourselves.

Joyful celebration and laughter

The gift of joyful laughter!

Of course, an obvious key factor in what’s different is I’m older; we’re both older. At this point in our lives, we know who we are and have a better understanding of what we need to be happy and fulfilled, both individually and as a couple. (My 22-year-old bride self was more than a little clueless.) Unlike my first go round, Mike and I have taken the time to truly get to know each other and our relationship is solidly based on a foundation of love, trust, and respect … oh, and lots and LOTS of laughs! (The fact the man makes me belly laugh every single day is an amazing gift.)

Another surprising gift evolving out of this new state of being is the knowledge that I want to feel that same authentic joy I felt when he proposed in many more facets of my life—it feels damn good! Cultivation of gratitude and joy is the way home. Brene BrownFeeling that authentic joy is crystallizing my motivation to choose happiness, to make decisions that are for my best good and that bring joy. I know that I want joy on a daily basis. I don’t want to wait until I accomplish just one more thing or wait for a particular something else to happen. I am deciding that joy is a priority. I also know I’m the ONLY one who can make it happen and it’ll take some practice. Joy can be found in things large and small, I just have to consciously make the decision, and that will also require taking moments to feel gratitude for the tiny to grand blessings in my life. I know that when I cultivate gratitude, it allows me in any given situation to choose what will hold my focus—frustration or acceptance; restlessness or contentment; alienation or love. Our perceptions do create our realities.

So, I’m going to continue to revisit what authentic joy feels like and invite it in as often, and in as many ways, as possible. How do you cultivate joy in your daily life?