Chinese takeout & cosmosIt happens. We’ve all been there.  We’ve all had those moments when we intellectually (and probably emotionally, too) know that the best and most nurturing thing we can do for ourselves is to unroll the mat, move through some Asana and meditation to deal with whatever emotional crisis is sweeping through our worlds, yet we don’t.  Instead, we pick up the phone, order some Chinese takeout and proceed to eat said takeout accompanied by a cocktail/beer/wine and watch something inane — or wonderful — from Netflix or your favorite cable station.

When I started this blog, I wanted to share the journey — the good, the bad, the ugly.  And frankly, I’m in the ugly.  My emotional life has been a roller coaster these last couple weeks, and I’m owning the fact that although I HAVE been doing asana, and I HAVE been meditating, and I HAVE been chanting to Ganesh till my mala beads are worn, I have also been relying on some tried and true, not-so-healthy comforts — food and pretty pink cocktails (cosmos made with organic juices and corn-sryup-free ingredients).  The thing is, in the past, I’ve *really* beat myself up over this behavior.  So, I’d wake up feeling, well, beat up.  And let me make this plain, I’m not hung over upon waking.  I’m not drinking enough to get drunk — not that I’d get behind a wheel, or attempt Wheel (Urdhva Dhanurasana) — but I’d wake up feeling like a guilty failure.

So, this morning, I’m taking a deep breath and going to attempt to look at this differently.  I want to simply acknowledge I had a moment (more like several) last night in which I found comfort in a non-perfect way.  I took the time last night to completely escape my emotional turmoil.  I knew, and know, full well that the turmoil wasn’t going to disappear.  It was waiting for me upon waking.  But with all the Yoga I have been doing, I had to ask this morning if I really needed to beat myself up for choosing temporary escape.  Did I really need to drive guilt further into my being?  Did I need to cause myself more pain than I am already in? Was there another way?

As a practicing Yogini and Yoga Teacher, I understand there are SO MANY choices available to me, and I often choose them.  Every year, every month, every day I get closer to when I will always choose what will best nurture me.  I’m not there yet.  I’m still learning and growing on this Path — and expect to be doing so for the rest of my life.  I have complete faith that I AM on the right Path. I know I’m growing and opening and discovering every single moment of my life.  And amidst my current emotional pain, this knowledge and faith brings me moments of peace, hope, and even a little bit of joy.

This same knowledge and faith is what also allowed me to forgive myself, take a breath and use my drive to work this morning to chant the chants of love (see my post When there’s nowhere to turn, Bhaja Govindam).  This same knowledge and faith will allow me move forward and find myself once again on my mat moving and breathing through Asana which will help clear the toxins of too much salt and alcohol from my body.  My knowledge and faith will also have me sitting on my meditation cushion, taking a deep breath and diving in deep to welcome my pain, to embrace it, to forgive it and MOVE THROUGH AND PAST IT.

So, this morning I honor that escape doesn’t solve, but it does sometimes give us the break we need.

Om Gum Ganapatayei Namaha (chant to Ganesh: Salutations to the remover of obstacles.)

Om Shanti Om (Om Peace Om)

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