Hiking Yogini

Posts Tagged ‘self-judgement’

The quote, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” is often attributed to Einstein, Franklin, or Twain, but none of them seem to be the originator of the pithy phrase. Regardless of who said it, it’s running through my head quite a bit because I once again spent a pain-filled week on the floor. Yup, my back went out AGAIN. This time in the middle of the mundane act of putting on a pair of cute lace-up boots … an act that is apparently much more dangerous than I ever thought it could be.

I’ll admit it; I didn’t handle it well. First, because it really, really hurt … A LOT. And then secondly, because I dove headlong into the pit of despair and took frustration, disbelief, and self-pity along with me. All I could think through the tears was, “Why me? Why again?! What did I do wrong?” which, of course, is never helpful AND it’s looking at the situation from a really destructive viewpoint—as if making any mistakes in life makes you deserving of pain and suffering. That’s just complete and utter bullshit, to put it bluntly. Thank the Gods that I have such a loving, caring, and supportive partner in Mike and have a few amazing friends who can help ground me when I’m spinning my way into a spectacular pity party.

Heating pad and legs up on the ottoman again provides respite for my back.

It became clear (with their help) that I need to focus on the positive and to recognize that for whatever reason, this seems to be part of my process in transforming my life and transitioning into a period of greater expansion and growth.  Would I like this process to be less physically painful? Oh YEAH. (I’ve entered into negotiations with The Universe for just that.) And this is where the quote comes in.

What do I have to do that’s different than what I’ve been doing? What isn’t working? Or what is it that’s getting in my way? Part of the problem, I think, is my tendency to only focus on my lack, or what’s wrong in my life. I’ve got a LONG habit of doing that … I am my worst critic. Much better if I look and acknowledge all the many things that I’m doing that are RIGHT for me RIGHT NOW. For instance, I’ve got my business and marketing plans and I’m doing the tasks necessary. When I’m not lying on the floor alternating between icing and heating my back, I’m steadily adding in the physical activities to help regain strength, flexibility, and endurance. I’m eating the way that seems to nurture my body best. I’m learning to ask for help—and be open to receiving it. I am dancing with patience in a way I never have—but then I really have no choice. It’s find patience or spend every minute of dealing with my back cursing and beating my head against the proverbial wall. And that doesn’t seem like a smart plan. Why add more pain?

I also have to realize that I don’t have all the answers right now and I don’t have to. All I really have to do is listen to my inner voice and pay attention—it’s never lied to me. I need to believe that I can manifest what it is I’m working toward. Decisions need to be made based on how both my mind AND my heart feel around any choice. I’m the one who decides how my life and world unfold. My mind set is key to how I perceive my life. I can view it from a place of darkness and suffering or I can view every moment as an opportunity to give and receive compassion, kindness, and love, as well as an opportunity for learning and growth.

As I write this blog post (on the floor with the laptop propped on a pillow on my belly), I don’t know yet exactly what I need to do differently. I clearly need some meditation/contemplation time to try and figure that out. There’s always a solution, but one must understand the problem first … I’ll figure out what’s blocking my progress in time. I’ve worked with chiropractic, massage, and physical therapy, but another type of bodywork and/or energy work will likely prove helpful, along with some serious self-contemplation time. In the meantime, it seems like I must actively work on cultivating patience, self-compassion, and self-care … all things with which I struggle. So, I guess you could say that if I manage those things, I’m doing something pretty different. But, I’m willing to give it a go as I’m not fond of the idea of fitting the aforementioned definition of insanity. *Deep breath* Let’s see how it goes.

I was honored and quite happy to guest write for this week’s BizeeBee blog. I wrote the post focused on teachers, but I think it can apply to anyone who is over-scheduled and feeling overwhelmed. 

Read the post and remember to leave a comment and tell us what you think!

Shanti, Shanti, Namaste.

Statue of Patanjali, the codifier of Yoga

It’s been such a long time since I’ve devoted time and attention to my blog, and the causes are varied.  We forget that even events that we consider joyous can throw us out of balance and I’ve re-learned that over the the last two to three months; two to three months which have been overwhelming with events wonderful, challenging and even sad.  These events and circumstances simply kept reinforcing the theme with which I always struggle when it comes to applying it to myself — Ahimsa (non-harming/non-violence, the first in the Yamas & Niyamas.) And the last few months have had me revisiting and relearning Ahimsa on a daily basis. Read the rest of this entry »

I find myself – more often than not these days — fried, frazzled and overly fatigued. And although I seem to go through cycles of this state, it constantly takes me by surprise. How can I be frazzled? Aren’t I a “good” Yogi?  …. Hmmm … then that question stops me cold. Because, judgment filled as it is, it’s really not about being “good” or “bad” — there’s no such thing.  However, this situation feels bad and full of suffering.  Now, the Bhagavad Gita explains that “even a little Yoga can save one from much suffering”.  Hmm, well, this simple statement can sometimes feel really complicated to execute.  First of all, our western, American minds usually turn immediately to Asana when we think of Yoga.  And really, Asana is just one of the eight “limbs” outlined by Patanjali within the Yoga Sutras. In Yoga Sutras 2.35-2.45, Patanjali outlined some basic precepts for living our Yoga.  If I’m fried, frazzled and fatigued, then I can’t possibly be honoring the first “observance” of the first “limb” (the Yamas) — Ahimsa, (Non-harming/non-violence.)   

Read the rest of this entry »

One of the main lessons Yoga teaches is “be present”. Essentially, we learn to honor a given moment and whatever it may hold — physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and/or energetically — and let go of the rest.  This practice leads to a more equanimous/peaceful existence, rather than one that constantly reacts to sensation.  This practice also leads to questioning the small and large parts of our lives like, “Is what I’m doing (now or in my life) important?”, “Is this *object* important?”, “Does this experience/object/choice/sensation provide true fulfillment? Or only momentary satisfaction?”, “Am I filling my life and time with that which is important for my Happiness, or am I simply filling my life and time?”  Lately, I’ve been compelled to really look at what fills my life and my focus fell on all the “SCHTUFF” filling my home … and I felt a little ill.  It was past time to declutter. Read the rest of this entry »

I once took a management seminar in which the facilitator was discussing how to deal with the ubiquitous “How are you?” in the work place.  We all know that the person asking has simply expanded, “Hello”, and they don’t really want to know how you’re doing unless the answer is, “Great! That project proposal you need is all set.” or “Great! I just scored tickets to the Superbowl!”  They don’t want to know anything else — they’re busy with their own angst-ridden day.  The only folks who may really want to hear your true answer when they ask are your girlfriends, buddies or loving family members  …  So how do you answer your coworker when your day isn’t great and still practice Right Speech … In other words, not be a liar? Read the rest of this entry »

I went to one of my favorite yoga classes tonight (www.innerhappiness.com), feeling almost … desperate for some release.  Work was successfully doing what it does almost every day — making me feel overwhelmed and inadequate to the daily tasks, and my neck and shoulders were responding in turn. I thought a yoga class would be the balm I needed … And it was, it just gifted itself in an unexpected way. Read the rest of this entry »

The Guest House — Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whomever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

I find Rumi, at this moment, both beautiful and *incredibly* difficult. My human house is overflowing today with all sorts of uncomfortable visitors — self-recrimination, feelings of discontent, restlessness, disconnection, anxiety, fear, joy, love … well, you get the idea. Read the rest of this entry »

It’s that time of year at my company when all good corporate employees must evaluate their own performance as a precursor to the annual performance review given to us all by our various supervisors. I dread this time of year. Every year. I procrastinate. I allow myself to get distracted. I help everyone else with whatever else needs doing — anything to avoid sitting down and honestly evaluating the good, the bad and the everything in between. And this year was no exception. Knowing it was coming, knowing it was coming two months in advance, didn’t prevent it from still being an adrenaline-deadline-driven project again this year. Read the rest of this entry »